Get Real

My last post was pretty raw for me.  I couldn’t sleep that night. I awoke to a sore throat and a nasty cough.  It’s a sure bet I have bronchitis.  I get it every summer and every February along with the flu.

However, stress and grief can affect your immune system. I stay very active and probably just wore out.

Before I started this blog I had prayed about it for over a year. I have to admit when it comes to technology I am not smarter than a third grader. Heck, probably a pre-schooler in today’s world.

We have a daughter who is an accomplished writer.  Some of you may follow her on her social media posts.  As the mother, I never want to compete with any of my daughters.  I  want them to shine and be everything God has planned for them to become.  I am just the mom.

We may both be writers but we have our own style and she is an English & Mass Communications major.  Same arena just different tents. She is going places.  And will continue to rock the world with her grace and charm.

Live Life with Hope is a very personal blog.  I promise to always be honest and nonjudgemental.  This is a site for healing.  I will heal by writing to you and God willing with my honest, raw, painful, joyous, happy or sad thoughts will in some way touch you.  In grief, there is hope and that hope can only come from having a raw relationship with Jesus Christ my Lord. I cant edit my heart or the Holy Spirit.  I write to please Jesus.

When our third daughter was about  15 months-old I became pregnant with our fourth baby.  Here is how I found out about our new baby.

I had been working with a trainer to run another 10K.  I started in March and was ready for my second weigh in, and take measurements to track my progress. That was October.  We were behind because of the horrific events on September 11, 2001. My body mass increased though my weight had decreased and I was running a 12/15 minutes mile.

I laughed and said, “Only I could work my tush off and gain body mass!”

She was expecting her first baby as was another young lady.  My trainer asked if I could be pregnant? “NO!,” said I.  That was the only thing she could come up with and said I should try a pee test.  I stopped at the Walgreen’s on my way home.  A double pack.

Yep, I was expecting a new baby.  My hubby was Guadalajara, Mexico at the time so I told him the news over the phone.  He laughed and then said, “Seriously?” Men!  I was around 15 weeks along. Sadly this baby was not meant to be born.  When that happened I never mourned the loss because it is a very common experience.  I looked at it as being part of Gods plan for me, and our family.  A month later I was expecting, again and again, my body rejected this baby.  That was too close to the first one.  But I didn’t question God about it either.  I made my husband see the doctor because we felt another miscarriage would put me over the edge.

After our Sommer died of unknown causes I was shocked.  Broken. And wanted to know “WHY GOD WHY!”

I have been in my prayer closet screaming before the Lord raw with anger, jealousy, sadness, disappointment, fear and abandoned.

I still have those moments with God and it is totally fine to be upset with God.  He wears big boy panties.

We are made in the image of a loving God.  He gave us the emotions we need to express them not hold them in for a better time. Grief knocks you out in the strangest places.

Grief is a tool used by Satan to draw us away from God. He wants us to turn our backs on God in the same way Job’s wife wanted him to do.  But, Job did not.  He expressed his feelings and God loved him because He is God and Job was not.

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Isaiah 53:3

 

For His Glory.

Blessings,

Heidi

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