Not Our Home

Grief is a powerful thing.  I have said this before but I will say it again….It is a lonely place to be.  The first six months people are there for you as much as they can be.  But the truth is they go on with their daily lives whilst yours is broken. It feels like you have just finished a huge 1,000 piece puzzle and someone comes along and pulls the felt mat out from underneath and the pieces fly and drop everywhere some barely hanging onto the others but for the most part, it is gone.

Sure you could start over.  I have a dear, dear friend whose husband died unexpectedly February of 2018.  Her brain was on overload and no sleep.  One day she asked me if I thought she should marry again someday.  No judging. It was a fair question even though it was too fresh after his death to be thinking that, and she knew this.  But when you’ve been married over thirty years you get used to things.  Let’s just say you watch each other grow older.  She and I are in our early fifties.  I told her I probably would not want to have another man see me in the buff if you get my point. She did have a very good point she didn’t want to grow old alone.  I told her my daughters would have to give me their blessing if I was in her shoes.  Both of our kids are adults now and one day God willing they will marry and have babies of their own.  For the record, I am in NO rush to be a Gammie.

Grief is grief, no matter who you’re loved one, was to you.  But I have to say the death of a perfectly healthy 22 years-old for unknown causes takes the cake.  You don’t get back a daughter.  It’s not like I can have another baby and even if I could a new baby would never replace our Sommer.

I had three women, whom I consider to be Godly women, say to me on different occasions: “God must have been protecting Sommer from some evil thing that would harm her.”

I’ve looked and that is not in the bible but I did ponder that for awhile, then had a tug of war with God.  Remember playing tag, Red Rover, and tug of war at kids birthday parties. Great times.  I knew of a young couple that played tug-of-war while she was having contractions.  Pop! Their baby was born in five pushes.  That’s amazing to me because I pushed for hours with my three.  The saying that the pain goes away when you have your newborn placed on your protruding tummy.  Not so much for me.

My tug of war lasted an hour in my prayer closet.  I was angry with God for taking Sommer away from all of us.  “Why, God, would you even think about having someone harm her in some way!” I screamed.  “What sort of God are you that would give approval for something evil to happen to her?”

Then came the small still voice of The Holy Spirit say: “Ok, Heidi, you want her back and if I told you the awful thing that I approved would happen do you really think YOU could protect her the way I am now?”

I was moved to tears of praise for how magnificent our God of the universe really is.

No, I can’t protect anyone I love from God’s will.  I do pray, however, Jeremiah 29:11

“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”

Sommer’s plan was to go to Jesus at a tender age of 22.

We can not truly understand heaven and what awaits us as born-again Christians.  The Bible gives us a hope and we need a longing for heaven and not worldly things.

“In My Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14:2 KJV.

I have yet to read in His word anything about cleaning these mansions.  We get a new body but not a new wardrobe.

Sommer is in Heaven.  Where she belongs.  No looking back, no tears and no pain.

Yes, God, I struggle with not having my baby girl, best friend, first born.  But having that blessed assurance she is with Jesus and one day I will join her and she will say, “Hey, mom you gotta see this…”

For His Glory!

Blessings,

Heidi.

One thought on “Not Our Home”

  1. Love you, sweet lady- praying always for you and your precious dear ones who are left to finish the course that God had created and planned beforehand. Such a horribly difficult trial but thankful you all have Christ to walk with you and to hold you in His hands when you cannot take the next step. Thanks for sharing. When you feel like talking, call me! Sending you all big ((HUGS)) and Love ❤️~Dana

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